The New York Times Email an Article Option: An Adult “Feeler”

When Dan, the investment banker, broke-up with me, he explained matter-of-factly, “I don’t think I can invest into this relationship what you deserve. But I want to be friends. We’ll keep in touch.” Still recovering from the shock of being dropped like a poor-performing stock, I resisted the urge to scream or to punch Dan in the face and instead responded, “No, we won’t be friends. I don’t see how you have time to ‘invest’ in that either.”

Days after our separation, I already had carefully prepared an “I don’t think we should get back together” email that addressed all the arguments I foresaw Dan would use in his “I made a mistake/I miss you” email. All I needed was for Dan to contact me first so that I could send him my thoughts and obtain some needed closure. Three weeks went by and I heard nothing from him, so I sent him a “feeler.”

The “feeler” is a method of entrée into a person’s life; an opportunity to test if your interest in an individual is reciprocated. The feeler is both non-committal and casual. The feeler is simultaneously a way to woo and to play hard-to-get. I have been sending out feelers ever since puberty.

I remember as early as my Bat Mitzvah days, dressed in sequins and pink lipstick, mentioning to Jacob Roth over non-dairy chocolate cake on the sweet table how much I loved the Boys to Men song “End of the Road.” If the feeler was a good one (which it was), Jacob Roth would consider my comment for a moment, then say that he loved the very same song (we shared so much in common), and that we should dance to it together.

As I got older, the feelers shifted from direct in-person attempts aimed at an explicit purpose (obtaining a slow-dance, a ride home, a mix tape) to becoming increasingly well-designed, multi-functional vague messages that required some effort to deconstruct.

There is the “Seinfeld feeler.” I recall from my Seinfeld repertoire of three or four episodes carefully memorized for this exact purpose some classic line. I then insert it into conversation with the man I am interested in. To which he will always respond, “Hey, you’re totally right, why would you leave a pony country for a non-pony country? I have all the episodes on DVD, so why don’t you come over and watch sometime?” Of course, this feeler requires some research to ensure that your crush is, in fact, a Seinfeld fan. However, even if he is not, there is a good chance that he will fake his Seinfeld knowledge as you have done.

Or there is the “Bait-and-Switch Feeler”- hard to initiate, often lengthy, but if completed correctly it’s a sure thing. In this scenario, I attempt to fix-up my person-of-interest with a good friend (knowing that the she has no desire to date my person-of-interest). Through the process of creating this false courtship, I send out a series of feelers concerning my perfect relationship. The person-of-interest then discovers that he has the very same relationship goals and thinks maybe I would be a better match for him than my friend (who was a lesbian anyways).

In college, I would receive an email about a lecture on “The Art of India” and promptly forward it with an attached message such as “I thought you might like this. I might go…” to the artsy-looking classmate who sat besides me in world religions. Even if he responded, “It looks good, but I have to volunteer with the homeless that night…we could meet-up afterwards?” the “Forward Feeler” was still successful. I had started a conversation with him, he now knew that I was the kind of woman who liked “Art of India,” that I wanted to spend time with him, and I now knew that he was receptive to the idea of spending time with me.

Although the uses of email feelers are far from formulaic, they often follow similar frameworks and functions.

The email feeler allows one to inform the receiver of the feeler (the feellee) that you are thinking about them but not in a stalking way. Rather, something you saw or read evoked a reminder of that particular person; but you did not go out of your way to find this reminder. This point is essential as the feelee must believe that the exchange was not planned.

In a post-college globalized world, it became increasingly difficult to send out feelers to individuals living in different communities, states, and even countries: therefore, a feeler strategy needed to be created that would transcend local space and culture, yet, be accessible to anyone regardless of residency. The New York Times email an article option presented the perfect solution – the “Adult Feeler.”

Emailing an article to someone allows one not only to adhere to the law of feelers – “I read this article that I thought you might enjoy” – but also makes the sender of the article appear sophisticated (obviously only sophisticated people read The New York Times online and email articles to other sophisticated people).

In addition, when one emails an article more than one receipt can be added and a short message can be included. These options can be used to your benefit depending on the purpose.

For instance, incorporating a message such as, “Hope you guys think this is funny!” the recipient thinks that they are part of a mass email. This tactic is often used when you have previously sent out a feeler but did not receive the desired response. This is the re-feeler. Or in other cases, sending a personal message like, “I remembered that you like books about dogs” may better serve your goal of showing that you remembered a piece of relevant information and that you can be trusted to learn more.

After three weeks of waiting eagerly, I emailed Dan “The Trouble When Jane Becomes Jack” article from the Sunday Styles section with a quick passive aggressive note written into the tiny “personal message (optional)” box that said, “I hope you are doing well.” The article about transgender operations said everything I couldn’t say. “I don’t hate you and I remembered that you were just as interested in identity politics as I am. Send me an email back.”

I received a response the next day that said, “Thanks for the article, it made many good points. How are you doing?” I never sent Dan that pre-written email I had formulated days after the break-up. I didn’t need it anymore. I had achieved closure, moved on, and was already emailing articles to new potential mates.