textual activity

met this guy at a frat party in 1998 and we hooked up once. We then met again post-college in 2003 on jdate, purely coincidental, while living in the same city. When we remembered that we slept together once back in '98, we decided to do it again.. and again... and again. We ceased all communication 2 months later. April 2006 he texts me out of nowhere (I didn't have his # programmed in my phone anymore) when we have both moved to different cities. April 2006 to current: he texts me whenever he is drunk and horny. Sometimes I amuse him. I have not seen him in person since 2003. He has called me once, when he was drunk and horny and confided in me that he has "problems with women". The remainder of our relationship takes place only by text message. The following is taken from an actual text conversation - word for word.

Him (Jan 31, 11:51 pm): When are you coming to new york?
Me (Jan 31, 11:52 pm): Feb 22-24. How was your trip to India?
Him (Jan 31, 11:55 pm): Lots of fun. I remember u said u went to thailand, right? it was prob similar.
Him (Jan 31, 11:58 pm): When ur in town can i have a blow job?
Me (Feb 1, 12:05 am): What's in it for me?
Him (Feb 1, 12:13 am): What are my options?
Him (Feb 1, 12:13 am): I will make u cum
Me (Feb 1, 12:15 am): I'll think about it...

Him (Feb 16, 4:33 am): Are u awake?

Me (Feb 18, 1:56 pm): I'm coming to NYC this weekend.
Him (Feb 18, 2:08 pm): Ok good. Do u want me to fuck u in your ass?
Me (Feb 18, 4:10 pm): Definitely not.
Him (Feb 18, 4:14 pm): What about blow job?
Me (Feb 18, 4:16 pm): I'll think about it.
Him (Feb 18, 4:17 pm): I like it really deep
Me (Feb 18, 4:18 pm): I recall.
Him (Feb 18, 4:21 pm): Like I mean my entire cock is down ur throat so much that u cant even see it
Me (Feb 18, 4:24 pm): How enticing for me. Sounds like a party. I'll think about it.
Him (Feb 18, 4:28 pm): Good. Looking forward to it

dogma3627

I wish I had never learned your email password. We had been together for 4 years so perhaps it was inevitable… asking me to check your email on occasion when you weren't in front of a computer… using the same 4 digit number as your ATM pin. I finally crossed the line after 4 years and read your email. You had stopped talking to me for a week because you needed space and time to think. And I was hysterical. You were 600 miles away in this long distance relationship. How much more space and time away from me could you need? Not long before, when my sister's marriage was falling apart and she was reading her husband's email, you had said, "You know that you can read my email. I have no secrets from you." Well, you did have secrets and they were far buried in the Sent Mail of an old email account. The password worked and I was hurting and looking for answers and looking hard and there was your secret. An email to an old female co-worker sent two years earlier, halfway through our relationship. You wrote, "I just moved to Harrisburg and I'm single now. I'm finding it hard to date." What?! Single?! At this same time, you were crying to me on the phone, telling me that you missed me and that you loved me. Was this two years of fraud on your part? Two years of playing with my heart and my life? Looking back, there were so many different decision that I would have made if I had known that you didn't really love me. Why didn't you have the balls to break up with me sooner? You're such a pussy. The other emails I found after you broke up with me were just as painful. Promises of diamond earrings to an old girlfriend. (The last gift you bought me was a crystal necklace from an airport store.) Telling people that our breakup was coming for a long time. (How long?) Registration for numerous online porn sites. (I hope the viruses and pop-up windows on those sites caused your computer to crash.) But you know what? It's okay. Life has worked out quite well for me in the past few years. Great job, amazing friends, and a wonderful new boyfriend. And the new boyfriend… I don't EVER want to learn his email password.

An Open Letter to Your Wife

Dear Mrs. X,
I'm not sure if you know about me, maybe you do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your husband is giving up on you. I'm sure you're really nice. When he disparages you while we're sharing a romantic meal together or cuddling on my couch, I don't listen. Your children are beautiful. I really hope that they grow up knowing what healthy, loving relationships look like. I actually think about you a lot. In some ways, I want to be you--to have what you have. Other times, I have a sickly feeling that one day, I will be you. He jokes and calls me his "part time lover" while he caresses my body and puts me at ease. At first, I think it's sweet, but then my stomach turns at the thought of you having to wake up next to a liar who just quietly climbed back into bed with you three hours earlier. I don't think about you when your husband and I make love. Or maybe I do, which is why I fake an orgasm, not allowing myself to fully enjoy our sin. It is a sin. Not in the whole "bolts of fire striking me dead" way, but because I am betraying you, a woman I have never met. I call myself a feminist and say that this affair is empowering but I am just trying to validate my actions. The truth is, I don't really deserve anything better than your middle aged leftovers who thinks he's a 9.5 (but you and I both know, is probably more like a 6.5). I feel bad about what I'm doing but I feel worse about myself. The truth is, you deserve better and so do I. I only wish I believed the latter.
Sincerely,
Ms. Y

daughter

One hand is on my swelling belly, it is Sunday morning and we are laying in bed, the sun has yet to rise as I am trying to explain to you how I felt the night we met. It was just this feeling, I tell you, that now I was found. I guess it was love at first site, if that is how love at first site feels. The date that we had met was six years earlier than this day. It was at a bar in New York City. I was supposed to be on a plane, but I had switched my flight due to other circumstances. I had dropped by my friend Briana’s apartment before the party. Her roommate, Kate, was a practicing beautician. She wanted to try some new product in my hair “Sex kitten hair” she described it as she manipulated the wax through my shoulder length hair. We rode uptown to the bar from all the way downtown in a bus together. It was one of those nights, everyone we know was there. It was karaoke night. I downed a few and felt like a Rock star. I was wearing a new shirt, I had “sex kitten” hair. I bounced up on this little platform and sing the back up vocals to “Welcome to the Jungle” all is good. Then these guys show up that I had met a few weeks earlier that both claimed to like my friend and not me. I had stupidly invited them earlier in the day, as I did this other guy that I had gone out on blind date with. Luckily the blind date guy had rejected my offer, but these two had shown up to ogle at my friend. I had a few more and then go into the bathroom, the depression of all the alcohol starts to set in as does my current dating situation or lack thereof one. I try to make myself happy, it is Friday night, I’m wearing a new shirt and have sex kitten hair, why be sad? I unlock the bathroom door with the notion of starting anew. I hear the sounds of “Daughter” by Pearl Jam, being belted by some new karaokiers. I look at the little platform. And there he was, there you were. My heart just felt comforted as I saw you. Your height and appealing stature attracted me to you. Your smile and demeanor as you flailed your arms and belted out that iconic tune. The guy you were with looked familiar. Is that Paul, I ask my friend, the guy you’re dating? Yes she says. Who is the guy he’s with? I don’t know I’ve never seen him before. As the song ends, and you walk off stage, I strategically place myself in front of you and introduce myself. Your voice and dry wit solidify my initial feeling, my initial attraction. Because you got a ride in with your friend who wants to spend the night with my friend, I’m “stuck” taking you home with me. We stay up all night watching my student films and talking. At 4 am, it is time to go to bed. I allow you to sleep fully clothed in my twin size bed. You do, with one hand gently on my side. In the morning we talk about clouds. You leave me you email and phone number. 4 years later we marry, 6 years later I am pregnant with your daughter. It was just that feeling of seeing you and now I get to experience that feeling every day.

Walk

My husband and I had been struggling to make our marriage work. We wanted so much to express our sacred bond in marriage, but in the process we both had lost our sense of self. And in a way, our ability to walk. He and I were stuck, forced to stay in a place of pain. We feared so much the walking away, and never turning back, would be the biggest mistake. A definite, final and painfully wrong turn.

And surely, albeit slowly, we began drifting farther and farther away, without ever using our feet.

We drifted mentally, socially, sexually, emotionally. We were very far from each other. Almost strangers. Living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed, but truly having no common ground on which to walk. For years, we moved our feet around in a disgraceful dance, in a poorly choreographed movement, and one in which we only continued to lose direction.

I lost my path in February of that year when I came inches away from committing adultery. It was not my own path, and all I knew was that I had taken a very wrong turn. I had to, without a question, find my way back to myself.

And so I told him about my crisis, and with all the pain, and hurt, and guilt, and shame, I took my first steps away.

I left that night to my parents’ place. My heart was heavy, as were my suitcase and my feet. I knew I needed to walk into my mother’s arms, and let her hug comfort me. I knew that this move would be followed with plenty of heavy conversation, emotion, consequence. But I also knew that if I didn’t take that walk, I’d miss the exit forever. This was the right time to start on my journey.

So I did. I walked in and told her that he and I had a fight, and that I would be staying with her for a few days, if that was ok. She didn’t ask too many questions. I think she thought it was a temporary thing. You know, every married couple goes through a night apart once in a while.

And then it was Passover. My husband and I had planned to spend the first night of the holiday together at our rabbi’s house. Even after a month apart, we were determined to find our way back to each other. After all, it was destiny, it was fate that brought us together. And a night of ritual, history and tradition was all we needed to reignite that sacred spark, that religious commitment to each other.

During the seder, I remember liking my husband’s company. I liked when he put salad on my plate before taking some for himself. I liked sharing glances when someone would say something that would remind us of one of our many inside jokes. And it felt nice to like his company. But it also felt new to have some sort of clarity: I liked him, but I did not want to be his wife. And I would not change my mind about that. Because it was the truth. And no matter how hard we tried to rationalize that we were meant to be together, the clarify of spirit that came over me around that table on the first night of Passover was not to be ignored.

We read the story of the exodus of the Jewish people from physical and spiritual slavery. And we read it as if we too were right there at that time, getting freed by the hand of god, who led us on our forty year walk in the desert.

And the next morning, I took the next steps on my walk toward freedom and self- realization.

I felt tired and uncomfortable as I put on my walking shoes. I packed my bag from the night before, and said my goodbyes. I was going to walk from my rabbi’s house to my mom’s so that I could be by myself and spend the rest of the holiday as I wanted: alone and walking.

I wanted to walk so badly. There was nothing else I wanted more. Not because our religion prohibits us from driving on that day. Not because it was the right thing to do for anyone else. But I wanted to walk because I wanted to walk. It was a brand new sense of expression for me. I knew what I wanted, and I followed that direction.

I had been living with so much anxiety for years before that walk. I was always afraid of something: afraid of getting attacked by a stranger, afraid of losing my way, afraid of getting too hot, too cold, afraid of disappointing. But during this walk, which lasted over two hours, I walked confidently, with an open heart. And much like my Jewish ancestors, who left Egypt and walked toward an undiscovered homeland, I was walking between two worlds, not quite sure of my destination, but certain of my destiny.

Every ordinary sight I passed had special meaning for me. The old man reading his newspaper now symbolized the freedom to continue to learn. The young woman barbequing on her balcony symbolized a lust for life.

I was confident and willing to see. I was trusting in god, for the first time, to guide me to exactly where I was supposed to be.

It was an ordinary walk, but with so much grace and love. The breeze, the calm that came with it, proved to me, once and for all, that walking was the best and only thing I needed to do to come back to my true home. My self.

The New York Times Email an Article Option: An Adult “Feeler”

When Dan, the investment banker, broke-up with me, he explained matter-of-factly, “I don’t think I can invest into this relationship what you deserve. But I want to be friends. We’ll keep in touch.” Still recovering from the shock of being dropped like a poor-performing stock, I resisted the urge to scream or to punch Dan in the face and instead responded, “No, we won’t be friends. I don’t see how you have time to ‘invest’ in that either.”

Days after our separation, I already had carefully prepared an “I don’t think we should get back together” email that addressed all the arguments I foresaw Dan would use in his “I made a mistake/I miss you” email. All I needed was for Dan to contact me first so that I could send him my thoughts and obtain some needed closure. Three weeks went by and I heard nothing from him, so I sent him a “feeler.”

The “feeler” is a method of entrée into a person’s life; an opportunity to test if your interest in an individual is reciprocated. The feeler is both non-committal and casual. The feeler is simultaneously a way to woo and to play hard-to-get. I have been sending out feelers ever since puberty.

I remember as early as my Bat Mitzvah days, dressed in sequins and pink lipstick, mentioning to Jacob Roth over non-dairy chocolate cake on the sweet table how much I loved the Boys to Men song “End of the Road.” If the feeler was a good one (which it was), Jacob Roth would consider my comment for a moment, then say that he loved the very same song (we shared so much in common), and that we should dance to it together.

As I got older, the feelers shifted from direct in-person attempts aimed at an explicit purpose (obtaining a slow-dance, a ride home, a mix tape) to becoming increasingly well-designed, multi-functional vague messages that required some effort to deconstruct.

There is the “Seinfeld feeler.” I recall from my Seinfeld repertoire of three or four episodes carefully memorized for this exact purpose some classic line. I then insert it into conversation with the man I am interested in. To which he will always respond, “Hey, you’re totally right, why would you leave a pony country for a non-pony country? I have all the episodes on DVD, so why don’t you come over and watch sometime?” Of course, this feeler requires some research to ensure that your crush is, in fact, a Seinfeld fan. However, even if he is not, there is a good chance that he will fake his Seinfeld knowledge as you have done.

Or there is the “Bait-and-Switch Feeler”- hard to initiate, often lengthy, but if completed correctly it’s a sure thing. In this scenario, I attempt to fix-up my person-of-interest with a good friend (knowing that the she has no desire to date my person-of-interest). Through the process of creating this false courtship, I send out a series of feelers concerning my perfect relationship. The person-of-interest then discovers that he has the very same relationship goals and thinks maybe I would be a better match for him than my friend (who was a lesbian anyways).

In college, I would receive an email about a lecture on “The Art of India” and promptly forward it with an attached message such as “I thought you might like this. I might go…” to the artsy-looking classmate who sat besides me in world religions. Even if he responded, “It looks good, but I have to volunteer with the homeless that night…we could meet-up afterwards?” the “Forward Feeler” was still successful. I had started a conversation with him, he now knew that I was the kind of woman who liked “Art of India,” that I wanted to spend time with him, and I now knew that he was receptive to the idea of spending time with me.

Although the uses of email feelers are far from formulaic, they often follow similar frameworks and functions.

The email feeler allows one to inform the receiver of the feeler (the feellee) that you are thinking about them but not in a stalking way. Rather, something you saw or read evoked a reminder of that particular person; but you did not go out of your way to find this reminder. This point is essential as the feelee must believe that the exchange was not planned.

In a post-college globalized world, it became increasingly difficult to send out feelers to individuals living in different communities, states, and even countries: therefore, a feeler strategy needed to be created that would transcend local space and culture, yet, be accessible to anyone regardless of residency. The New York Times email an article option presented the perfect solution – the “Adult Feeler.”

Emailing an article to someone allows one not only to adhere to the law of feelers – “I read this article that I thought you might enjoy” – but also makes the sender of the article appear sophisticated (obviously only sophisticated people read The New York Times online and email articles to other sophisticated people).

In addition, when one emails an article more than one receipt can be added and a short message can be included. These options can be used to your benefit depending on the purpose.

For instance, incorporating a message such as, “Hope you guys think this is funny!” the recipient thinks that they are part of a mass email. This tactic is often used when you have previously sent out a feeler but did not receive the desired response. This is the re-feeler. Or in other cases, sending a personal message like, “I remembered that you like books about dogs” may better serve your goal of showing that you remembered a piece of relevant information and that you can be trusted to learn more.

After three weeks of waiting eagerly, I emailed Dan “The Trouble When Jane Becomes Jack” article from the Sunday Styles section with a quick passive aggressive note written into the tiny “personal message (optional)” box that said, “I hope you are doing well.” The article about transgender operations said everything I couldn’t say. “I don’t hate you and I remembered that you were just as interested in identity politics as I am. Send me an email back.”

I received a response the next day that said, “Thanks for the article, it made many good points. How are you doing?” I never sent Dan that pre-written email I had formulated days after the break-up. I didn’t need it anymore. I had achieved closure, moved on, and was already emailing articles to new potential mates.

single is powerful, when you're single.

I had just moved to New York, for my boyfriend, when my boyfriend decided that he no longer wanted that position. I was 27 and ready. I knew what size my ring finger was, we had shopped for furniture together, he had purchased the condo that I wanted, in the neighborhood I wanted to live in. I was ready to sign up, or give up, or whatever. And then it was all over.

New York seemed the place to be. I felt embraced by single women in their late twenties all over the city, and within two weeks I realized that marriage had never been something I had wanted, why was I duped into thinking I wanted to or had to marry this schmuck? I abandoned my idea that security=marriage and I jumped into my female friendships and felt completely fulfilled. Yes, this is the city to be single. Yes, it is good to be single at this point in my life. Yes I am happy here and now!

I hold true to this being my attitude. Not that it stopped me from making eyes with men at bars, and getting phone numbers from men I would never want to call. I was just having fun, practicing. I wasn’t dating and I wasn’t really thinking that I needed to or wanted to.

Bryn said “It’s time.” I think she was referring to talking to men I might actually want to talk to, or make out with, or have dirty, raunchy sex with. So I scoped out a cute boy at the bar. Then I chickened out. Then his friend came over. He was kind of a jerk, but cute. So I got his phone number. Then I called him the next day. Then I decided to sleep with him on the first date, as I felt like I wanted sex and didn’t want a relationship.

“Getting into relationships is hard in this city.” My friend lamented over a beer two months later. I nodded, “hmmm.” I said agreeing with her sentiment. My other friends chimed in about how fun life is that it is hard to make time for men, or for them to make time for you. “Right.” I said. “And it is just hard meeting people who want to be in relationships.” “I know.” “Well, other than for Sara.”

It’s true. I had, without any intention, gotten into another relationship. Actually it was more like a Relationship. Our first date led to many, many more. I had flown to his home town to meet his family, we had shared holidays together, and talked about how we would be together for a long time. We had just broken the “I love you” barrier. Things were blissful, delightful, delicious. I couldn’t be happier.

And yet this was not the picture I had painted for myself. I envisioned nights of dates with my girlfriends, movies alone, long runs with singles running groups. I was ready to embrace the modern notion that single is powerful. I was ready to reject all of the messages my time in the Midwest had embedded in my subconscious. I was ready to yell to the world, “Me alone is enough! I am just as valuable by myself as I am with a man!”

My love story, beautiful, romantic and magnificent, was unexpected to say the least.

Writers Strike Was Bad for Online Dating

I'm not a writer, but I am a writer-type. When the writers strike began, I joked with my friends that I would join the writers because I feel most comfortable relating to people on an acerbic level, and because I have plastic frames on my glasses.

Turns out, I also am a writer-type in that I attract writers, both as friends and as potential romantic partners. I've had writers in my life for so long that for a while there I convinced myself that after all I must be a writer too. I even went to journalism school, only to find out that I'm not particularly good at this art form (you're reading this. You tell me.)

So when I started online dating, I felt right at home. The whole dynamic was familiar to me. They (the writers) needed to write about themselves in some cynically charming way to distinguish themselves from the accountants and the lawyers. In fact, a very shallow survey of online dating profiles of writers (and writer-types) will quickly reveal the formula: the profile begins with a less-than enthusiastic remark about one's literary profession, which is immediately defended by proof of gainful employment. The profile continues with a geographical placement (moved to LA from NY), a note of the writer's love for sushi and wine, and the profile is then guaranteed to end with the ironically hilarious "i love puppies" comment, which somehow never gets old.

I think writers feel comfortable with online dating because they get to charm suitors with written words. They are right there in their element.

That's why when the writers went on strike, I was really happy and thought to myself "this is going to do wonders to my dating life. All that free time on their hands, they will be desperate for female companionship."

Alas, I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out there was nothing good about this strike, especially when it comes to online dating.

First, overnight writers became broke. They couldn't afford to court the ladies. Second, writers became sick. Literally, physically sick. They were just not used to this kind of physical activity - standing outside, on their feet, for the whole day picketing - so they began canceling previous engagements and certainly did not make plans for new ones. And finally, while they used to sit at their desks with their desktops, desperate for human interaction (hence, online dating services), now writers began interacting with each other at the picket lines, and us non-writers (even us writer-types), lost any chance for a writer's companionship.

This morning's news about a tentative agreement reached is turning me on. Big time.

Excellence in JDate Award

When I was in high school, I felt like an underdog because I had recently moved to America and felt like I needed to catch up. That's why I was really surprised when I received the Bank of American Merit Scholar award at the end of the year, right before I found out I was graduating as the top 11th person in my class.

Then in grad school, I felt like the only person who had no clue about corporate communication because I only had nonprofit experience. Again, I felt like I was constantly trying to catch with everyone else. I was shocked when I received the Excellence in Graduate Scholarship award and graduated first in my class.

Last night, I logged onto jdate to see who I am up against. I mean, I haven't been getting so many emails or hits, and I felt like I MUST be doing something wrong on there. So I changed my preferences: I am a man looking for a woman, ages 22-42, 40 miles around my zipcode. Yes, I wanted to cast my net wide, as I needed to get a good sample. I searched under "most active", and then decided to search under "most popular." My jaw dropped to the floor when I saw my own profile appear as the SECOND MOST POPULAR girl!

I win!!!

I don't know why I expected my online dating to be more exciting and voluminous than it was.

I need some perspective. Neither human life or virtual life is really that exciting. And that should be sufficient.